


im lovin it

by Monocerotis



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, I guess???, M/M, apologies in advance, more characters will be added as they appear - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 15:57:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12708192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monocerotis/pseuds/Monocerotis
Summary: McCree comes home late one evening with a very special surprise in his car trunk.(hooray, my first publically published work! this entire fic is basically an extended shitpost. try not to take it too seriously & please be nice)





	im lovin it

Hanzo opened his eyes slowly. It was dark.

It was always dark.

Quiet whispers ebbed and flowed, throbbing at the back of his head. As he rose to his feet and walked forward, slowly, sparks of green light danced at his feet. His ragged hair fell in front of his eyes, obscuring his view. Each step he took seemed heavier than the last, but a feeling that tugged at his heart forced him to move forward. The whispers grew louder, and the embers grew brighter, burning his ankles as they brushed against his skin. When he lifted his head, he saw someone, half-silhouetted, shining in the pale, diffuse light, scarred and solemn. As his skin grew cold, the figure turned towards him, opening its mouth to speak.

The sound of a “La Cucaracha” car horn abruptly cut off his brother’s words.

Hanzo’s eyes shot open, and he practically catapulted himself into a sitting position half a second later. As his vision slowly came into focus, he glanced over at his bedside stand, the plastic thrift store alarm clock blinking slowly at him.

_2:16 AM._

After a moment to process this information, he groaned loudly and threw off his covers, before angrily shoving on his sandals and storming out the door. A quick turn through a hallway led him to another door, which he threw open with righteous fury. Car headlights blinded him immediately after, and he threw his hand in front of his face, grimacing as he spat out his words.

“Where the _fuck_ have you been?”

For a moment, a low, lighthearted chuckle was all he received in response. But before he could break into a well-deserved lecture, the voice continued, its tone soft and hospitable.

“Aw, darlin’, you ain’t just happy to see me?”

“I can’t see you if your infernal car’s headlights are shining in my eyes.”

“Aw, don’t say that about little ol’ Bessie.” Despite the apparent protest, there was a brief click, and the high-beams mercifully relented, revealing the owner of the thick midwestern accent. It was Jesse McCree, of course, who seemed genuinely hurt by Hanzo’s remark as he stepped towards the front porch. “She ain’t ‘infernal’ by any stretch o’ the word. Hasn’t done me wrong in all the time I’ve driven her, at least.”

“How convenient of you to leave out the time ‘she’ broke down in the middle of the highway.” Hanzo made no move to step aside so Jesse could enter. In fact, he crossed his arms with a great deal of petulance, scowling at the cowboy in front of him.

“Well, that was my own fault. I oughta listened to the little ‘change oil’ light the first time it popped up, I reckon.” McCree sighed, taking off his hat and holding it to his chest. “Pardon the subject change, dear, but mind if I come in?”

“Not until you tell me why my twelve text messages and three calls went unanswered, you reckless maniac.”

Jesse sighed again. Well, damn. There went his attempt at diversion. Despite himself, though...a smile slowly crept onto his face.

“Howsabout I show you, instead?”

Hanzo, at first, only narrowed his eyes.

“What could you possibly have to show me that wouldn’t be easier to simply tell me about?”

“Well...I wouldn’t say it’s easier to show you. Just more fun.” McCree’s grin continued to widen, and he gently tugged Hanzo’s hands from their firmly crossed position. “C’mon, pumpkin, ain’t that why you bother with me to begin with? I’m the only person who can get rid of the stick up yer-”

“-Just show it to me.” The archer cut him off, his patience spent.

Jesse, however, didn’t particularly seem to mind. He gleefully pulled Hanzo off of the porch, down the steps, and back to the trunk of his car. The Shimada’s eyes widened when he saw a faint glow shining from the windows.

“Jesse-”

“Oh- uh- close your eyes! The reveal’ll be better if it’s a surprise.”

Despite his plentiful misgivings about the current situation, Hanzo heaved a heavy sigh and complied. He heard the telltale click and hiss of the trunk being opened, and the previously dim glow was now easily apparent, even from behind his eyelids. Soon after, he heard the cowboy’s mischievous chuckle.

“Alright, alright, open ‘em up.”

Hanzo, ignoring his better judgement a second time, did so. Inside of his boyfriend’s prized Ford Mustang…

...was a lit-up, neon, McDonalds drive-through sign.

Decades of etiquette training fell away as his mouth hung open.

McCree, meanwhile, burst into laughter. It soon turned into a veritable fit, and he had no choice but to double over, putting his hands on his thighs. He stayed that way for what felt like an eternity - it seemed like a full minute before it even _started_ to die down. He wheezed as he tried to regain his breath, rubbing the tears out of his tightly shut eyes, still giggling occasionally. When he finally did lift his head and open his eyes, however, Hanzo was nowhere to be seen.

“...Sweetheart?”

As if in reply, he heard the unmistakable sound of the front door slamming shut. He snapped his head around to the direction it came from, damn near giving himself whiplash before he scrambled onto the porch.

“Hanzo, what’re you-”

“I’m not letting you back into the house until you return that abomination to the establishment you stole it from.” As if to punctuate his words, Hanzo loudly locked the door, then jerked the key away from the hole.

Jesse stood there for a moment, uncharacteristically dumbfounded; but the blissful silence didn’t last, and he began pounding on the door, his voice pleading and tinged with betrayal.

“C’mon, honey, you can’t be serious-”

“I am completely serious.” The response certainly sounded stern. “I will not have a petty thief living under my roof with me.”

“It ain’t like I got caught!” Jesse’s retort was indignant, and he stomped his foot lightly.

“It’s not about whether or not you got caught, McCree -” Hanzo sucked in an irritated breath, muttering an “I can’t believe I even need to say that,” shortly after - “It’s simply that there is a limit to how much tomfoolery of yours I can withstand, and I’m placing that limit firmly here.” He stepped away from the door, offering one more remark before the cowboy could cut him off. “That’s all I have to say on the matter. You know what my conditions are.”

McCree stood there as he heard his partner’s footsteps recede back into the house, his expression at once disbelieving and awed. Soon, though, it settled into sour acceptance, and he readjusted his hat as he scowled at the door.

“Fine.”

He turned around, stalking back towards his car. Without even looking, he slammed the trunk shut, then whirled back around and threw open the door. After clumsily climbing into the seat, he pulled the door shut more delicately, mumbling to himself as he pulled out of the driveway.

“I know someone who can make you see it my way.”

**Author's Note:**

> the amount of feedback i receive for this is directly proportional to how quickly i will churn out more of this garbage so please let me know how you feel. thanks


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